I have always loved to journal. I do not do it every day but often. I do it to process good things, bad things, and decisions that need to be made. I started journaling when I was 11. Back then I called it writing in my diary 😉 I still have my very first one. I wrote about it in Living Sensibly I just finished my current journal. This year has been one of the hardest of my life. But one of the best. I have grown so much through the tough times. As hard as it has been, I would not trade it for anything. God has worked in areas that I thought were too far gone to ever be healed. He has walked me through the darkest night of my soul. I am still not completely out but I am emerging more whole (though crazy Heidi is grasping for one last chance to rule). I have always run from pain and heartache. Not this time. I felt so very strongly that if I ran this time, I would spend the rest of my life maintaining. And that would be death to me. So onward I went. I apologize to those who have been around me these past few months. 😉 I read through my journal from this year. As I read it, I jotted lessons I learned throughout the year. And here they are:

1. My cancer scare at the beginning of the year taught me that I want to be an example of how to face tough stuff. I want Jesus to be seen in me, not just talked about. 
2. What could my life look like completely surrendered to Jesus?
3. And you can grow up and still retain your child-like faith.
4. Strive to be fully functioning, not high functioning.
5. Stop believing everything I think and feel.
6. Am I the person I have always wanted to be? (This is everything)
7. Life cannot be balanced. It is fluid. Time is not a pie.
8. Do I really have to be in control all the time?
9. People matter. Their stories matter.
10. It’s exhausting always trying to do and be better.
11. You don’t have to remember every thought and epiphany…for that moment, that moment alone it is what your spirit needed. Don’t try to capture every little thing. Enjoy the moment.
12. As a church, we are to have one arm around our community and one arm around the world.
13. My pace of life is not the same as others and that is okay. I will probably never slow down.
14. While my assignment may change, my calling remains the same.
15. I really do walk with God (8/6/17, 12/1/17).
16. Everything I am for His Kingdom’s cause — even my pain and insecurity.
17. God cannot bless who you pretend to be.
18. Humility proceeds breakthrough.
19. My tribe has been vital to me this year. 
20. There really is beauty in the brokenness.
21. The best way to point people to Jesus is to live it. Word matter but words can be cheap when not backed up with a life that demonstrates the power, love, and goodness of God.
22. He is expanding my community to communicate (8/17/17).
23. Don’t tap out.
24. In the darkest of nights and deepest pits of hell, there is always glimpses of goodness and light if we look.
25. It’s okay to admit you’re tired.
26. It’s okay to admit you need help.
27. It has been a year of Holy discomfort/growing pains — faith doesn’t grow in a vacuum but in the arena of life. 
28. No one can keep you from being “all in” except you.
29. Grace is not neat and tidy. It is loud and messy and uncomfortable. 
30. I cannot be concerned with what my faith looks like but what it actually is.
31. You can minister out of brokenness, but you cannot minister out of nothingness.
32. Thompson is the best dog ever. ❤ 

    

     

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My closing prayer of my journal:

Jesus, I am so grateful for Your presence in my life. Thank you for Your faithfulness demonstrated to me in these pages. You have been better to me than I deserve. I am so glad Your faithfulness and character is not dependent on me. May I always strive to bring honor and glory to You. Thank you for the adventures and here’s to many more! Where you lead, I will follow.